Category Archives: Life and Leisure

Renewals and Wishful Thoughts

I saw that Movie one time called “Hope Floats”, and laughed to myself thinking.  How could one consider that an expression positive, when dog crap floats too, well at least it does in a swimming pool.

We all search for the best in everything holding out hope, with anticipation that everything good will come and nothing bad will happen.  Reality is, the majority of the negative in our lives, we could have prevented by making different choices.  But the beauty of free will is the ability to wish, hope and dream. Inside every individual is a dream, a desire to find what’s missing.  If I could find the courage to tell that someone what I feel when I do, It would be something like this…..

Be my mirror (just look at me), and tell me that you recognize me.

In your eyes I will recognize myself.

You call me forth, with your kindness and warmth.

I want to believe, that you can see wings growing on me.

I only feel the pain of breaking.

I long to shed what I have been, and like a butterfly

That’s left its form, I want to fly.

Boldly we could conquer the world together

The world in us, the one we have never walked on.

The heart is wild

And wild the life that tames it.

Let us stop time, just be here, let questions remain questions

And sense the density of life.

From moment to moment, shed the past and future like bothersome weights

And take hold of the present.

Fine-fibered packed full of riches

Symphony of colors and forms, like heaven fallen to the earth.

We could have nothing but this moment.

All loving and living, could begin now.

Against the sky, we are silhouettes, we are fingers stretched out, words looking for listeners.

We are skin wanting to be touched.

Will you help me change my fears into wisdom?

Will you be the touch that calls my skin to life?

Will you lure words across my lips?

Will you be the heart my fingertips encounter?

Will you be the color compassionately encircling my world?

Will you stand by me?

Will you throw yourself into the search for more,

If you do, loneliness will become non-existent for both of us.

Forms and colors will surrender their secrets

And in our tumble into life we will not be shattered.

You are more valuable to me than you think.

You remind me of all that is yet to come and all that could be if you listen with your heart and soul, and do not let the opportunity pass you by.

And all that can be or should be I will soon be, us, together and happy.

There comes a time in our lives when circumstances change.  Whether we like them or not they change us.  We either learn to grow from them through the pain they inflict upon our soul, or we let them destroy us.  I wrote this poem during one of those phases in my life, when it was time for change, time for renewal and time to make chapters of my life anew.  I held out hope, then said goodbye, then made changes.  It still to this day amazes me how educated people can make some of the most unwise choices when it comes to matter of the heart.

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©Copyright protected 2013: JD, NWU Local 1981

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Toxicity of Human Desire

We are a refined creature as human beings.  We base our lives, our goals, and our achievements on emotions.  How we feel we should be, how we feel others should be, and how we look at ourselves through the eyes of others.  Yet do we truly want to define ourselves by what others perceive who we shall be?  Or are we caught up in what others may want, or how we feel others want us to be in order to be accepted.

I think within each individual there is a hidden agenda, a hidden desire to just break free and be ourselves, yet we fall victim to the social norms and acceptances of others.  We strive to reach out, master the desires of our goal, just to land hard and fast, and experience the quixotic then repeat this cycle to no avail.  Life is like a paradox, it does not exist because it contradicts what is expected.

 

We then build our walls to separate ourselves from what we must be and what we had hoped to become.  We become a masonry worker of our own creation.  We build a fortress that holds our soul in so that we cannot feel, cannot hurt, cannot experience.

On occasion we find a better brick mason that tempts us to lower the walls. We begin to feel, we begin to experience, just to discover that they were but a thief, an attempt to peek behind our walls at the foundation of the fortress, so as to obtain a better floor plan for the castle they choose to build for themselves, of which we shall be banned from viewing.

The best defense is building without emotion, so when we build it is stronger and a defense that cannot be conquered.  Walls so strong, we shall not surrender to our desires and suffer the toxicity of defeat.  Then build our aqueducts around our fortress, so the brick maker may in return drown the fallacies and deceits in our waters and we can move on, knowing we have let them through their struggle not to succumb to their watered fate, feel the pain so willingly they inflicted on us.

I compare this desire for acceptance and the desire for what we all want but are missing as the ultimate job search.  We look for what is missing. “The Job”, being the missing piece, that we feel will fulfill what we lack.  We “apply” for the job, we find we have been accepted for the position, and then we begin to start our “work”.  During this process we discover that this “job” came with a ”probationary clause”, that was undisclosed and our hiring a conditional circumstance for which at any time while the “employer” seeks a more suitable employee, we may be terminated at any time yet we are filling or suiting a person that pleases them and strings us along.  So why pray tell do we strive to be an “employee” that works fervently at something so insecure?  Because we are humans with desire, and that desire is toxic.

 

In our life, an existence when trying to avoid toxicity, we must always remember one plus one usually makes three, black and white is truly gray, and truly Forrest Gump was wrong.. “Life is NOT like a box of Chocolates, more like a jar of jalapeno’s and what you let yourself be vulnerable over today, may come back and burn your butt tomorrow”.  I am not sure where I heard that quote, or who wrote it, but I love it!

Toxic relationships have been something I have experienced often.  Blindly I seek out to find what appears to be a good relationship and find myself questioning my sanity, my ability to reason, and whether I am just plain ignorant or what.  It is so often like asking one’s self, “What the hell was I thinking”?  Then you meet Mr. Right.  The odd man out, and it becomes apparent they’re your perfect match.

We differed little when we first met.

We had our place, and in it life,

From gray to black,

From good to worse, and back.

And yet there was hope

For open eyes,

For life and light

A yearning from another land.

And we fell,

We did not fall into each others eyes

Nor into love,

But into life.

And in our eyes

The searching magic appeared,

As large as our souls,

With features just like yours and mine.

Our wishes now are greater

Than the world our arms embrace.

Our inner world is larger

Than the outer.

The yearning finds its center

In our eyes,

And there magic finds us

With such open hearts.

The order now is one life

Combined by three.  And what we are,

We are like no one else.

Loved in the most abundant way.

     The fairy tale does exist. I have experienced it in my lifetime.  Not all fairy tales end in disaster, for if they do end on the mortal level, they still do exist in the mind, heart and soul for eternity. To love and be in  love, unconditionally, is an experience of a lifetime.

 

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