We are a refined creature as human beings.  We base our lives, our goals, and our achievements on emotions.  How we feel we should be, how we feel others should be, and how we look at ourselves through the eyes of others.  Yet do we truly want to define ourselves by what others perceive who we shall be?  Or are we caught up in what others may want, or how we feel others want us to be in order to be accepted.

I think within each individual there is a hidden agenda, a hidden desire to just break free and be ourselves, yet we fall victim to the social norms and acceptances of others.  We strive to reach out, master the desires of our goal, just to land hard and fast, and experience the quixotic then repeat this cycle to no avail.  Life is like a paradox, it does not exist because it contradicts what is expected.

 

We then build our walls to separate ourselves from what we must be and what we had hoped to become.  We become a masonry worker of our own creation.  We build a fortress that holds our soul in so that we cannot feel, cannot hurt, cannot experience.

On occasion we find a better brick mason that tempts us to lower the walls. We begin to feel, we begin to experience, just to discover that they were but a thief, an attempt to peek behind our walls at the foundation of the fortress, so as to obtain a better floor plan for the castle they choose to build for themselves, of which we shall be banned from viewing.

The best defense is building without emotion, so when we build it is stronger and a defense that cannot be conquered.  Walls so strong, we shall not surrender to our desires and suffer the toxicity of defeat.  Then build our aqueducts around our fortress, so the brick maker may in return drown the fallacies and deceits in our waters and we can move on, knowing we have let them through their struggle not to succumb to their watered fate, feel the pain so willingly they inflicted on us.

I compare this desire for acceptance and the desire for what we all want but are missing as the ultimate job search.  We look for what is missing. “The Job”, being the missing piece, that we feel will fulfill what we lack.  We “apply” for the job, we find we have been accepted for the position, and then we begin to start our “work”.  During this process we discover that this “job” came with a ”probationary clause”, that was undisclosed and our hiring a conditional circumstance for which at any time while the “employer” seeks a more suitable employee, we may be terminated at any time yet we are filling or suiting a person that pleases them and strings us along.  So why pray tell do we strive to be an “employee” that works fervently at something so insecure?  Because we are humans with desire, and that desire is toxic.

 

In our life, an existence when trying to avoid toxicity, we must always remember one plus one usually makes three, black and white is truly gray, and truly Forrest Gump was wrong.. “Life is NOT like a box of Chocolates, more like a jar of jalapeno’s and what you let yourself be vulnerable over today, may come back and burn your butt tomorrow”.  I am not sure where I heard that quote, or who wrote it, but I love it!

Toxic relationships have been something I have experienced often.  Blindly I seek out to find what appears to be a good relationship and find myself questioning my sanity, my ability to reason, and whether I am just plain ignorant or what.  It is so often like asking one’s self, “What the hell was I thinking”?  Then you meet Mr. Right.  The odd man out, and it becomes apparent they’re your perfect match.

We differed little when we first met.

We had our place, and in it life,

From gray to black,

From good to worse, and back.

And yet there was hope

For open eyes,

For life and light

A yearning from another land.

And we fell,

We did not fall into each others eyes

Nor into love,

But into life.

And in our eyes

The searching magic appeared,

As large as our souls,

With features just like yours and mine.

Our wishes now are greater

Than the world our arms embrace.

Our inner world is larger

Than the outer.

The yearning finds its center

In our eyes,

And there magic finds us

With such open hearts.

The order now is one life

Combined by three.  And what we are,

We are like no one else.

Loved in the most abundant way.

     The fairy tale does exist. I have experienced it in my lifetime.  Not all fairy tales end in disaster, for if they do end on the mortal level, they still do exist in the mind, heart and soul for eternity. To love and be in  love, unconditionally, is an experience of a lifetime.

 

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