Can’t Shake This Feeling

Exert from Chapter One in my Book,

“Walk With Me My MS Journey” © 2010

By JD Author, Reporter-Journalist

There are days when even in a crowd of people I feel that I am alone.  I see people talking around me, they notice me, yet I feel as if I am a million miles away, going through the motions, yet I just exist.  I am not sure if it is the feeling of inadequacy, and rejection I have felt over the years for having opinions that are looked upon as inappropriate or a bit twisted that make me feel as if I am living in a world that I don’t belong.  Sometimes I move slower than others, and some days I can keep up.  Perhaps I am just more self conscious as to my limitations at times.

     It is like living in a box and wondering should I hop out and try to be a part of the crowd, or stay in my comfort zone.  I ask myself often is it because I think strangely?  Or am I just a freak of nature with no explanation?   Either way, some days, I think I judge my own sanity or insanity harshly.  But how does one deal with the outside world when they feel they do not fit in?

       I often meet others with medical conditions as mine, and hear them say they feel the same way, yet as an outsider, their world appears perfect.  They have everything they desire going for them, or have their dreams on hold, but they have a piece of that dream existing as a part of them fulfilling their desires.  Why can my world not appear so simplistic? Why can I not have what my heart and soul longs for?  Am I destined to always be a seeker and never find?  Or will that realm of life always belong to another?

Why can what matters the most to me not seem to find it’s belonging within the walls of my world?

I seem but a shadow none dare view.

A reflection of a shell, an existence unexplained

My soul calls out to be noticed Yet cannot be heard,

I hide that I feel pained.

~

I crawl so often, back into my virtual box

Seeking the comfort I know

For if I let no one in and I don’t come out

My pain of existence does not show.

~

There are moments when I emerge

Breaking free of the “cardboard walls”

To hope for understanding, and acceptance

Yet my voice falls on hallowed halls.

~

I let myself fall victim often to desire

For that instant, I feel it as much

Then find myself again exposed, vulnerable

And but a whim for their temporary pleasure as such.

~

I let down my guard, bare my soul

In hopes for something I seek to be true,

To find it but a fallacy, clearly defined

The recipient another venue.

~

Why do I not just stay well guarded?

Building my walls true firm for me

That I cannot escape to harm my soul

On the shallowness of others that be?

~

One day I shall emerge and find my place

I shall rise and not look back to see

What was or did once hold me abreast

Will be walking along hand in hand with me.

 Sometimes it feels as if when I look up in the clear sky at night and see a star and wish upon it, that the star belongs to someone else and they are the ones always getting what the heck I am wishing for and I am just lost in the cosmos.

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