Can’t Shake This Feeling
Exert from Chapter One in my Book,
“Walk With Me My MS Journey” © 2010
By JD Author, Reporter-Journalist
There are days when even in a crowd of people I feel that I am alone. I see people talking around me, they notice me, yet I feel as if I am a million miles away, going through the motions, yet I just exist. I am not sure if it is the feeling of inadequacy, and rejection I have felt over the years for having opinions that are looked upon as inappropriate or a bit twisted that make me feel as if I am living in a world that I don’t belong. Sometimes I move slower than others, and some days I can keep up. Perhaps I am just more self conscious as to my limitations at times.
It is like living in a box and wondering should I hop out and try to be a part of the crowd, or stay in my comfort zone. I ask myself often is it because I think strangely? Or am I just a freak of nature with no explanation? Either way, some days, I think I judge my own sanity or insanity harshly. But how does one deal with the outside world when they feel they do not fit in?
I often meet others with medical conditions as mine, and hear them say they feel the same way, yet as an outsider, their world appears perfect. They have everything they desire going for them, or have their dreams on hold, but they have a piece of that dream existing as a part of them fulfilling their desires. Why can my world not appear so simplistic? Why can I not have what my heart and soul longs for? Am I destined to always be a seeker and never find? Or will that realm of life always belong to another?
Why can what matters the most to me not seem to find it’s belonging within the walls of my world?
I seem but a shadow none dare view.
A reflection of a shell, an existence unexplained
My soul calls out to be noticed Yet cannot be heard,
I hide that I feel pained.
I crawl so often, back into my virtual box
Seeking the comfort I know
For if I let no one in and I don’t come out
My pain of existence does not show.
There are moments when I emerge
Breaking free of the “cardboard walls”
To hope for understanding, and acceptance
Yet my voice falls on hallowed halls.
I let myself fall victim often to desire
For that instant, I feel it as much
Then find myself again exposed, vulnerable
And but a whim for their temporary pleasure as such.
I let down my guard, bare my soul
In hopes for something I seek to be true,
To find it but a fallacy, clearly defined
The recipient another venue.
Why do I not just stay well guarded?
Building my walls true firm for me
That I cannot escape to harm my soul
On the shallowness of others that be?
One day I shall emerge and find my place
I shall rise and not look back to see
What was or did once hold me abreast
Will be walking along hand in hand with me.
Sometimes it feels as if when I look up in the clear sky at night and see a star and wish upon it, that the star belongs to someone else and they are the ones always getting what the heck I am wishing for and I am just lost in the cosmos.
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