Category Archives: Human Interest

Human Interest, Thoughts and Expressions

Abuse that bruises the Identity- How to Identify Controlling and Emotional Abusers

December 2, 2013 JD 1 Comment

You think you’ve found the perfect guy to be in a relationship with and marry them. Everything he does is so touching, especially in the initial stages of the marriage. He seems so thoughtful, and goes out of the way to ensure that all of your needs are met. You enjoy your moments together and finally feel loved. You do everything together as newlyweds, and ignoring the little red flags that pop up, because you do not want to see the hidden signs and want only to believe that this is true love.

There are red flags, tiny ones… but you choose to ignore them, thinking that these are merely your imagination. They are the little things that eventually escalate to become the French inquisition down the road. They can be simple things like the glare you receive when you smile at a waiter that smiles at you, a friend you see in public, that may be a male, and you speak cordially and then later your questioned with sarcasm, “so is that one of your boyfriends”. Then there are the spouses of your girlfriends; that if they even smile and look at you, you must be sleeping with them or they “want” you. These are the “first” of many signs to come that there is trouble ahead, be aware and take note, YOU ARE IN A CONTROLLING AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

The scary thing about a controlling marriage is that a lot of the time, we don’t even realize we’re in one. When you’re in love with someone, it’s sort of like putting on a pair of rose-colored glasses – you see the happy things, the things you want to see. It’s easy to ignore the ugly things – for example, that your spouse might be a little too controlling. You don’t realize the full impact on how it degrades you and devalues your identity, until it has destroyed you enough to where you feel you cannot survive without the abuser.

Research has shown that the majority of emotionally controlling individuals have also battled addictions currently or in their past. That is consistent with the cycle of controlling nature. They cannot control their situations and be abusive so they turn to addictions to numb the need for control. The controller feels they can control their addictions too.

As the relationship progresses, you find yourself altering your behavior to accommodate him, or to please him. Then, as it moves forward, more warning signs start to appear. Emotional abuse can take on many faces. It can begin with your partner becoming irritable at the smallest of action, and turning it into your fault. The key word here is “fault”—as in it is always YOU that makes HIM direct the anger to you. When you try to understand this behavior and talk it out, he wants nothing to do with accepting any responsibility for the debate that ensues. The usual “lines” will be somewhat like this; “You’re not happy with me are you, what is it I am doing to make you unhappy, why do you not like to be around me…”; just to list a few. Do not answer these questions, walk away. They are usually questions asked to trigger you to respond by saying, “I am happy dear…” that feed his controlling ego.

Gradually, your communication will deteriorate because anything that you say will force an adult conversation to erupt into him losing his cool and unleashing a tirade of subtle accusations, and blame anything but the true source, himself.

Sometimes we aren’t able to realize the impact of this emotional abuse until we get an outside perspective, that is, when someone recognizes it, or when we leave it and look back. Dealing with a controlling spouse isn’t easy and, unfortunately, it can turn into a mentally and physically abusive relationship way too easily. It may take a decade or two before physical abuse happens, but eventually if you try to stand up for yourself it will and always does lead to that. When a controlling individual feels they are about to lose what they abuse, they retaliate with anger and vengeful accusations in an attempt to make you feel that you are the problem. It is their only means of coping because they cannot truly accept responsibility for their behaviors.

There are several signs listed below that indicate your husband is emotionally and mentally abusive and too controlling – and if he is, get yourself out of there before it’s too late. If you can recognize most of them, and are experiencing at least three, you have a serious problem that requires professional help from a psychologist. However getting a controlling spouse to seek therapy and be able to accept he is the problem, then your best option is to leave the relationship, because if he cannot accept he is the problem, therapy will do no good.

Are you frequently misunderstood, and your intentions looked on as if they were considered dishonorable or manipulative? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated?

Do you feel as if there is something wrong with you, you feel bad and can’t figure out why?

Does your husband almost always disagree with you, and the smallest of discussions evolve into a heated debate and you just give up in frustration?

Do you feel obligated to “give in” just to keep the peace in the relationship? Are you continually finding yourself fighting back what you’d like to say, being afraid to have an opinion of your own? This will over time begin to cause you to lose your identity, your personal feeling of self-ownership.

Does he seem bothered when you do things without you and subtly show his discontent by repeatedly questioning what you did to try and trip you up to the point even you become confused with what you did, and get frustrated? (This might be the biggest sign of a controlling husband – that he doesn’t want you to do anything when he’s not involved. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you guys can’t do stuff on your own sometimes. Your husband shouldn’t be getting suspicious of you for hanging with friends without him, going to party if he’s not around or innocently talking to guys without him there. That is abusively controlling! If he can’t let you have any time to yourself, that’s a sign that he wants to be in control of what you’re doing all the time. It’s not fair, and is most likely because he has no true friends he can hang out with and do his own thing, because if he did, he would not be around to control you.

Does he show signs of always needing to see your stuff and dig through things to get a sense of what you might be doing that he doesn’t know about? Does he try to see your text messages? Does he try to look at your Facebook and see what male friends might like your comments or postings? It’s a sign that he doesn’t trust you and it’s also a way for him to check up on you – basically to make sure you’re not doing anything he doesn’t approve of. Your personal stuff is private and not for your husband’s right to go through. Don’t ever feel like you have to share every part of your life with him. That is control. It has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with his insecurities, and lack of trust in himself based on his past and actions that are questionable.

Does he seem to dislike all of your friends and the people they are in relationships with? A controlling guy will usually hate on everyone else in your life because he wants to be your number one, all the time. He will make comments about your girlfriends spouses looking at you the wrong way, or start accusing you of being with them, because of the way you “look” at one another. He will become jealous of your friends and manipulate you to the point you either lose your friends or quit associating with them just to keep the peace. They will get to the point they become so controlling and hate all of your friends so much that he slowly convinces you to stop talking to every single one of them. That’s not okay. In a relationship, you should both be able to have your own friends. Most likely he has no true friends himself, because he has no sense of handling anything he cannot be the controlling person in.

Do you often give into sex and your partner’s sexual demands just to keep peace—even if you don’t want to? Most women do. That is because it is easier to give in to the demand than deal later with the questions and accusations of seeing or being with someone else. It is a manipulative tool used by controlling and abusive spouses. Although sometimes you may want intimacy, but a controlling person can only be intimate enough and please you enough to meet their need. That is why you find yourself left behind in the enjoyment process of intimacy, because it is all about when they will get their jollies, even when they make false attempts to please you on occasion.

Does he always want to be with your 24/7? Aw, isn’t it so sweet when your husband wants to hang out every day and text every minute when you’re not together? Um, sort of, I guess? There’s a fine line between this being cute and this being controlling. In the beginning of the marriage, it’s cute. When things get more serious, it’s not always as cute. If a guy insists on being with you or talking to you 24/7, being able to talk to you when apart and repeatedly calling until you answer, and stating it is because they were concerned for your well being, it is bullshit. it means he wants to always know what you’re doing, and in several states is considered stalking. At that point, you need to be like, chill or I am out of this marriage… everyone needs a little space once in a while.

Can your partner laugh at his own mistakes, or even admit his own weaknesses and shortcomings…or is he too busy focused on why you make his life miserable? Most controlling and abusive husbands cannot acknowledge their weaknesses because that requires they recognize they are the root of the marital problem.

Does he make comments and basically tell you what you can wear or do? Your husband should never tell you what you can and cannot do. A marriage license is not a license of ownership. He shouldn’t be saying, “you can’t wear that” or “you can’t go there.” You are an individual, you are not property to be owned or bossed around.

If you can answer yes to at least four of the above, you’re in a controlling, unhealthy abusive relationship. Sometimes it takes decades to comprehend, but you need to have them get help, or get out, before it destroys your identity and who you are. It will become like Stockholm syndrome, you will begin to think this is the norm, and lose any sense of individuality.

Continually having someone pointing out your faults, the faults of your family members or others and accusing you of things that are false about you, and you are jumping through hoop after hoop trying to “fix” yourself to accommodate the relationship is a futile and wasted effort. They are never going to change.

You will never be what he wants you to be, even if you do manage to “make things right”—down the road there will be contradictions—and all the things you’ve “made right” will be wrong.

There are serious emotional issues with your partner that stem so far back into his life, and the only way that he is able to validate his life is through the total control and belittling of you through emotional games. You ask yourself, “Is this love”? No. But it certainly presents itself as love initially… until the internal monster emerges.

As tough as it may be, if you value you and your own sanity, stop. The only person you can ‘fix” in this relationship is you.

Here are a few good resources in recognizing abusive relationships that explain abuse does not necessarily involve physical abuse, and how widespread this type of abuse is in America, and how rampant it is among spouses of military members as well.

“Not all emotional abuse involves shouting or criticism. More common forms are “disengaging” – the distracted or preoccupied spouse – or “stonewalling” – the spouse who refuses to accept anyone else’s perspective”.

– See more at: http://compassionpower.com/emotional%20abuse%20verbal%20abuse.php#sthash.x2RIGvUs.dpuf

Other Resources:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse?gclid=CL_nhZHWkrsCFWRk7AodyEsAUw

http://www.army.mil/article/13317/Domestic_abuse_includes_emotional__financial_control/

http://compassionpower.com/emotional%20abuse%20verbal%20abuse.php

©Copyright protected 2013: JD NWU Local 1981

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Human Interest

Moving from 2012 to 2013 the 5 R’s…..

January 29, 2013 JD 2 Comments

From Reflections, Revocations, and Revelations, to Reconciliation and Rejuvenation

As we look back into the last 365 days, known all too well as 2012, we start to anticipate the changes we hope to make for 2013. We already know from past experiences, that with each New Year that befalls us, we will reflect back and struggle to find resolution to questions that seem to be, without answer, revocations that were heartbreaking, and revelations that opened our eyes to what could have been. We take all of these situations, experiences, thoughts and emotions and try to find a way to make sure that they do not follow us into the New Year.

When we create our New Year’s resolutions, do we truly sit back and think of what positive can be reflected in each negative thing we experienced? What could be learned from it? What knowledge did we gain that we can also carry into the next 365 days to come? For no matter how hard, or painful an incident, or situation was, there is always a positive that can be reflected. Once we learn to look within ourselves and view something that was not a pleasant event, and grow, we can then redefine ourselves through that experience.

We can look at each incident that impacted us over the past year and find a portion of reflection, revocation and revelation in each circumstance. We can then take those circumstances and use them as stepping stones to grow emotionally. We can begin by reconciling within ourselves the positive and then rejuvenate within by using that inner strength the reconciliation creates.

To experience the loss of a family member or loved one whether it is a parent, grandparent, child, grandchild or sibling, the pain can be insurmountable The inner emotional pain felt is overwhelming and it seems almost incomprehensible that one could find any positive in that! The many tears that were shed upon your face and the shoulders of those you leaned on for strength may bring momentary comfort, but the emptiness can leave a void the size of a crater. Especially when multiple family losses are felt, then that hole seems like it is an expansive window into a universe of emptiness. How does one find a positive in that?

It does seem hard to fathom, but it exists. It exists in the memories you learn to cherish. Yes, at times the pain is still there, but so are the new warm emotions they create that can sometimes be followed by a smile, a feeling of content in knowing that if suffering were involved, it has dissipated. Where there was no suffrage in health, there is the content in knowing that still pieces of that memory; that soul; that family member, is with you in spirit. You can call forth that strength and cherish it in your weakest moments.

Some that have not experienced a loss would not understand, but I find it very comforting to look at the pictures of loved ones that have passed on and spend some time alone when I am feeling down and miss them, and just have a “chat”. I find myself on the days I feel the weakest, the worst, I can sit and talk to my grandmother and she speaks to me. Now I am not saying I ”hear” her voice answering me, or she is talking from the grave. It is by far a different experience. I “feel” her in my heart, in my soul. I have her memories there, and when I have doubt, I talk to her photo, and in my mind I can reflect back to what she would have told me if she were still alive, and a sense of warmth overcomes me, and I smile. She has spoken to my heart through memories. There is always the comfort in knowing “When one door closes another opens”, and as one life leaves us another will soon enter to bless our lives and fill it with joy. If not, then the human race would become extinct and there is nothing more precious than the breath of life, the birth of a child.

Let’s not forget the loss of a special love we may have experienced that may have brought us a disheartened feeling of inadequacy and failure. To let your heart go when you find that special someone, to finally love and feel loved, and lose it, can sear the heart as if to be branded by a prod so hot, so scarring that it almost seems to burn clean through to the soul, leaving ashen remains. This too is a pain that one can find very little comfort or positive sense from. You battle between a sense of distain, a feeling of abandonment and question and doubt the validity of that affection and love.

For how could someone share such emotion and taunt your heart by reaching out and embracing your weaknesses your needs, and then turn it off so suddenly to pursue another? How could you be so gullible in allowing it to happen?

There is a part of you that feels the urge to just choke the life out of them, and another part of you that wants to run after them and beg them for an answer, for reprise, for a second chance, yet reality sets in and you feel empty and alone. You see them moving on and out of that love for them that you harbor, you try to remain friendly and encourage them to make the best of their pursuits, while inside the pain still exists, cutting and searing at your soul daily.

Eventually you do move on, but the pain is always there. Once again asking what shall I find in this heart breaking experience that’s a benefit? What is positive in allowing me to be a vulnerable pawn to someone’s shallowness or how did I allow myself to become so disposable? Why could I not see that I was there to suit a temporary need or fixation emotionally, sexually or just a simple toy for someone’s amusement like a puppet on a string?

It is actually just as it feels joyous and painful. It is love. For in feeling and loving and losing that love you have experienced and grown in the sense that you have truly known what it means to love. For without heartbreak one cannot truly experience love. Until your heart has felt the passion and then the pain of being tossed aside, one cannot truly learn to love again with a clearer sense. Then one day perhaps the New Year to come you shall find love and see it with eyes wide open, more clearly, more defined, and love more passionately because you have once known the pain. You may also have gained enough wisdom to not let down your guard and feel the betrayal as deeply the next time. Or perhaps that love that created the heartache, may find it’s way back to you and make you both stronger individuals for it. Either way it is a lesson in the game of love.

You may also through meeting that individual, had other people enter your life that leaves an impact through their friendship and kindness. Either way, whether they return to you, walked away permanently as you were their pawn, and their arrogance has taught you just how shallow people can be and it has made you stronger, wiser, and less vulnerable to the twisted mind games people play all in the name of self gratification. Let that be your lesson to not create a pattern of repeated replacing one for another, because that in itself is a semblance of failure in their character, their moral fortitude. Then you know how not to be. Lesson learned.

Jobs come and go, and with the state of our economy, many have found this past year very difficult financially and felt losses. Some to the point they have lost their homes, their possessions, and possibly much more. Always remember that as we lose things in our lives we are merely making room for change for something different, for a purpose we are just not aware of yet? Perhaps in 2013 that purpose will be revealed and 2013 will be the time for career changes that can over time mold a better financial future in the long run? You may also consider furthering your education to better pave a new road ahead. During these most difficult times you tend to draw closer to family, spend more time at home together, and in doing this, learn more about each other, and grow stronger in the family bond.

If losing a home or belongings we may feel as if we are a failure in the eyes of society or our families because we could not provide what we consider part of their basic needs, shelter, a home. They say home is where the heart is, so home is wherever we park ourselves. It is not defined by the structure that contains it but by the love that encompasses every member it holds. Any place can be considered a house, but love makes it a home. From a well structured new house with all the amenities the Joneses may own and the latest IKEA ® accompaniments, it is no more a home than the Smith’s in a small cottage with few amenities and second hand furniture. We need to remember the positive, that home is where the heart is, our home is a home our love built, and it’s ours.

Should our health be a factor, and the past year put us through milestones that have set us back, or hampered us from doing the things we felt were part of our lives and how we defined ourselves, get real! Life is always changing everyone has challenges, bumps, and obstacles in our path. We either go around, over, or through them. If we cannot do that, then it should be our cue that perhaps Karma is sending us a message and that we should change a few directions in our lives, for things to improve. We are never given in life more than we can handle, and that which does not kill us will either make us stronger, or give us enough endurance to eventually regain our strength and kick someone or something ass with a driving force hard enough to succeed at what we attempt.

So whatever you have experienced in 2012, try to look back at the pain and hardship, and emotional roller coaster’s and grow from it. Always hold in your heart the family you have lost, and know they will always be with you through memories, scrap books, pictures and in your heart. For the love you have lost through a spouse or partner or lover, whatever you choose to refer to them now, use that as a tool to never be as shallow, never treat someone as disposable as they may have treated you, and if you can, sit back and relish in the thought that the person they dumped you for will most likely be as shallow as them and one day dump them just like they did you. Then you will have the last laugh. Because how you treat people is eventually how you will find yourself being treated, and it is not you that is lacking in character it is them and you by far are too good for them. In the workforce, improve on your job skills or take on a new avenue of tasks or employ. Become stronger in your desire for success.

In closing do not be afraid to look back at all the negatives or downfalls that created pain in 2012 and make a New Year better. Color 2013 brilliant and memorable. Don’t rush to set goals you know are near impossible to reach but set a list of desired possibilities for change. Make your year a chance to grow within yourself. Make new friends and perhaps, veer away from some in the past year that lack the fortitude, character to be a true friend and make them an acquaintance. You truly do not want anything or anyone to hold you back. If you fall in love again, just make sure it isn’t with someone shallow and self motivated, or only in it for what they can gain, and when they have found it, bail. Then you will not be a pawn in their chess game of life. Repeating the cycle of love and losses should be someone else’s repeated cycle of failures, not yours. In 2013 LIVE, LOVE and rejuvenate the inner you through learning lesson from the past year and prospective hopes for a newer better year ahead.

Be who you are meant to be.. Never let anyone silence you