Not in My World!!

My MS Journey

Exert from Chapter Four in my Book,

“Walk With Me My MS Journey” © 2010

By JD Author, Reporter-Journalist

 

Have you ever heard stories of people having things happen to them, and thought to yourself, “that would never happen to me?”  “Not in my world.” I had thought it many times in my younger adult years, but then reality sets in and we come to the realization that we are not invincible.  We are not exempt from whatever God has planned for our lives, whether good, bad or ugly, they happen.

A few months after my brain and spinal surgery, I was managing but wondering why my recovery was taking far longer than anticipated and new symptoms were erupting.   Within weeks things began spiraling downward fast, and I was sicker than I had been prior to surgery.  Back to the doctors for repeated testing and probing I went.

While awaiting the results of months of testing, the downward spiral began to progress faster, and I was finding myself more confined and limited in what I could do.  I was either always too dizzy, having seizures, migraines, tremors, loss of coordination, and my immune system was treating my body as if I had been invaded by an alien, and shot craps on me repeatedly.  This was really starting to suck.

Now was not the time for my health to give way.  I just couldn’t be sick.  I had two kids getting ready to graduate from high school, one was getting ready to join the military as soon as he graduated and two heading into their sophomore year of high school.  All of them busy in sports and extra-curricular activities, and I as a mom, just had to be there to show my support and cheer.  Yet I barely had the energy or ability to drag my butt out of bed to drive them to school, cook and do laundry.  Good thing in their younger years they did learn domestic skills and even better there was a Wendy’s®, McDonalds®, Pizza Hut® and Subway® all within a mile of the house.

Some days I felt like a jackhammer had just chiseled away at my will.  I was often wondering, since when do medical conditions come in two for one package deals?  But ALAS, I am a real winner!  I have THREE. I began to wonder if the insurance coverage that I had did offer special discounts for specific services, so were they in cahoots with karma, to give me this multi-pack special diagnosis deal?  JACKPOT!  Well at least I guess it had to be better than not having any answers, and not knowing what was the cause of my medical problems.  Once again I was then scheduled to see a few specialists and begin a treatment plan.

I am a person not truly religion specific yet a firm believer in faith and that God and Karma have a reason for everything in life.  How we choose to use them whether good, bad or ugly determines the benefit or downfall of every situation and life event.  Whether it is short lived or permanent in our current existence it can happen.

I call them blessings in disguise, because whether easy paths or rough terrain, I learn and grow from them.  Even on days when I feel I am held under duress by a body that is in conflict with my plans for fun.

I battled many feelings of anger and resentment and I was not sure at whom it was to be directed.  I just knew I was angry.  I had so many things I wanted to achieve, do accomplish, and I could not be tied down with a medical condition that set limitations!  This just could not happen to me, not in my world!  Amazing how angry we can get and lash out at those around us when we are searching for answers as to why we of all people were chosen to have this happen to us.  We hear about other people experiencing it, but think silently to ourselves that we are infallible and that it can’t happen to me.

Then reality once again rears its ugly brow and snaps one back into the zone, forcing you to sort out everything and start searching for the life lesson in it all.  Talk about a good bitch slapping!  Life was giving me a good one, and I knew it was time to wake up and start paying attention to what was to be gained, learned and experienced and use it to grow as an individual.

 

Have you every truly wondered,

Why life doesn’t always seem fair?

When you’re hoping for a rainbow,

Why you find clouds of pain or despair?

~

You wonder to yourself,

Why this would be happening to you.

Is this just a bad nightmare?

Really it cannot be true?

~

You seek answers through the anger,

You feel the emotional burden of pain.

Yet still remaining clueless,

In the long run what you might gain.

~

Close your eyes and listen

To the words you can hear said.

The message spoken clearly,

It’s not just random voices in the head.

~

There are lessons to be learned,

Refocus often if you can.

This is destiny and you must grow,

It’s all part of a bigger plan.

~

For each challenge that seems dreary,

Will eventually open up your eyes.

Then you can truly understand,

There is a Blessing in Disguise.

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